Spirituality
Well I promised at the end of the month I’d spill the beans on something most people don’t know about me, and since I’ve been on a writing kick I thought this was an opportune time to write what I expect to be a rather long post. So bear with me if it seems like I’m rambling or not getting to the point, because I will, and because of the title I’m sure you can already see where this going. Enjoy something very personal to me!
Back in 1995-1996 I believe it was, seems so long ago now, I was forced to make a decision I didn’t want to make at such a young age. Yes, I was 18-19 then, but still the decision that I had to make wasn’t an easy one any young adult should have to make, especially because it dealt with mistakes your parent made (sorry, I don’t hold this against you, I still Love You). But having made this decision, my life was forever changed, I no longer had the same comforts I was used to, and in a lot of ways was put in an alien situation I had to quickly adopt to which I wasn’t accustomed to at all. That decision was that I moved to my father’s, someone I had only seen off and on for the last 8 years because he was locked up until I was 10. He was in the Army from 18 and did something really dumb that landed him in prison, I won’t get into all the details, but I do love my dad very much, he taught me a lot and I’m thankful for having him so please don’t take this negatively.
As I said, this is something very personal to me, something I don’t share with a lot of people, mostly Samaree and very close friends, but I feel others should read what I have to write. Maybe it will help them, or maybe it will bring to light some of the things that people carry with them forever, and perhaps, it’s an outlet for me (more likely).
When that time came, and I left, moved on, I felt awful, hurt, inside, my heart was aching, I’d no longer be with my mother or my two brothers, the three people who were always there for me. It really screwed with my head, and not being that close to my dad at the time drove me away from my new home. I would seek out shelter in the wilderness, I’d build my own little huts, start small fires, and spend hours alone outdoors, away from people, taking in the comfort of nature. I’d also spend a lot of time talking to God, I’d ask him why things worked out the way they did, why I was put in this situation, and what was I suppose to do. I was raised a Christian, and was always taught God answers your prayers, God answers you when you talk to him, although I was also taught, sometimes you won’t like the answers. At the time I really didn’t understand what that meant, now that I’m older, I do. Because of that, I thought God didn’t even know who I was, I thought I was talking to the wind, the trees, the birds, whatever was around me when I was all alone. And this is where my spirituality changed, to where I am today in my life, older, wiser, and quite honestly, more happy in my spiritual life than I’ve ever been. Because after 2 years with my dad, his wife, three step-children, and me, I couldn’t take it anymore, I moved in with my Grandparents. This was only a couple months before my dad and his family would move to where they were as well, so we weren’t separated for very long, at least distance wise.
When I moved in with my Grandma & Grandpa it was another alien world to me, something I did know I was getting into, but still alien. There was no television, not since 1977, a radio, but only the Christian station was allowed to be on, and I had to take my earrings out upon entering the house. My grandparents were very devoted Christians, and although different, I love them to pieces, they were awesome! My grandpa passed away last year, and because of my job at the time I couldn’t go, my grandma had the funeral taped so I could see it (and although she doesn’t know, I still haven’t got up the nerve to watch it, I don’t think I can handle it). And likewise, the same as with my dad, I took shelter in the wilderness, it was the only place I found peace with myself and my situation, even though I loved my grandparents for taking me in when I couldn’t handle my situation. But I also had a bike, a really nice one in fact, I had saved my money from my fast food job to get one just so I could ride into town to escape when I needed to.
One day I rode to Barnes & Noble, and I must’ve spent 2 or 3 hours there looking around, reading the backs of books, drinking a coffee no doubt as well. This is when I stumbled into the New Age section and a book caught my eye, The 21 Lessons Of Merlyn by Douglas Monroe (Note: this is not a recommended book now), I had always been fascinated with King Arthur and this book seemed like it was right up my alley. I bought it that day and rode home to start reading, it was amazing to me at the time (in fact I own a copy now just so I can see where I started from), it was as if the book was speaking directly to me. I began to do all the teachings within, remembering verses as best I could, trying to emulate what I had read, and for me it worked, on a very spiritual level. It was a book about Druidry, and I am one, then, today, and always. I still remember the very first part of that book, I could probably recite it to you word for word, but it was to find your blue stone, a stone Merlyn had given Arthur to contact him if ever the occasion arose. I honestly never thought I would, but there was a stream near my grandparents house that I’d sit at for hours and think, about life and whatever else was on my mind, it had become a daily stop for me, a sanctuary of sorts I guess. Well, one day as I sat there thinking, almost drifting off, I caught a glimmer in the stream, something that almost looked like glass, the suns rays were pounding off it, and there when I reached in, was a perfectly flat, perfectly smooth, blue stone. And I still have it, it sits on my desk most days, but when I’m really feeling, well down, or not quite myself, it’s in my pocket to help me throughout my day.
This may seem like a trivial thing to some, but this is what kept me going through those times in my life where I had thought I’d lost it all and would be separated from my family forever. And besides that, it brought me closer to nature, something I still cherish everyday because we’re losing it at a rapid pace and it’s sad.
And I know, it’s at this point my family and perhaps some of my friends are going to start judging me, saying I’m a Pagan, and I worship the devil or some other such nonsense, but I don’t. I still worship Jesus Christ, because Paganism/Druidry doesn’t make you worship some other being, it teaches you things about yourself, about nature, and how to co-exist with it. I consider myself a Christian-Druid, I’m still deeply rooted in the Christian faith, but Druidry brings me closer to Mother Earth and nature, something I think we could all use in this day and age. And just because I feel like I need to, here’s some facts about the Druid faith you may not now, and could possibly be surprised by as well;
- In ancient times, when Druids were a large religion, they served as the Judges, Historians, Doctors, Educators & More. They were highly regarded within society.
- When the council of Nicaea met, with Emperor Constantine, it was met with the Christians and Druids, so they could put aside their differences and create the dates that we now celebrate for Christian holidays. Afterwords, because Christianity became the major religion, the Druids were sought after and killed!
- Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th, the holiday we all celebrate as Christmas (or the birth of Christ). It was the Pagan holiday of Saturnalia, a week of lawlessness between December 17th – 25th, and to keep the Pagans happy it was decided they could still celebrate their day, along with Christians, on December 25th.
I’m not going to go on and on with the messed up dates that Christians celebrate thinking that they’re their own, because they’re not, they all originated somewhere else, mostly with Paganism. If you’re a true Christian, do some research and find out for yourself. I’m not trying to sound rude, but for crying out loud it’s your spiritual life, learn about it!
Look, for anyone wondering, I do technically belong to the Order of Bards, Druids & Ovates in England, the only true place where you can get real teachings about Druidry, but I’m still connected in my Christian faith. I’m not someone different than the person you met when you met me, I just think I’m more spiritually grounded within the earth, I appreciate the world around me, something I feel that is disappearing at an alarming rate. I know some people, very close people who aren’t spiritual at all, and I think, everyone, should have some sort of spiritual life, it will help you, no matter what it is. I may not agree with all of them, but I understand the need for it, and there is something out there for everyone.
I’m 33 years old now, and I shouldn’t have to hide who I am, I’m happy with myself, my life, and how I and my life turned out. I learned a lot from my experiences, and it brought me closer to my spiritual self, and I feel I’m a better person for it. This post is meant for my friends, my family, and anyone else who has been battling with themselves to tell their loved ones, they’re different. We can’t all be the same, and that is what makes this world a better place.
I hope you enjoyed a little something about me…
