People Suck, Part 1

Everyday myself, my wife, my brother, and countless others have to deal with the stupidity and rudeness that is portrayed by people, and quite frankly, they suck. I know it’s not everywhere because I visited another state late last year and everybody there was nice, here in Northern Indiana though, everyone hates their existence apparently.

You know what, at this point I really don’t give a rat’s ass what your fucking problem is, don’t take it out on me, all I did was say “hi”. When you show up to my place of business and I say, “Hi, how are you?”, and you blatantly ignore me, you’re a fucking douche and deserve no further customer service from me of any kind. When you then come up to the register and I am still being nice to you, saying “Will that be all?”, and again you ignore me, the words that should come out of my mouth are “Fuck You”, but I just get your shit, tell you your total and take your money. Which by the way is probably from you selling weed to the neighbor kid, or whoring out your girlfriend, because anyone with that much of a “I’m better than you” attitude can’t possibly function at a normal fucking job.

And then there’s the idiots, the ones that ask you a question and when you answer, repeat their original question because they didn’t like your answer. Here’s how that goes; Hey, I was wondering if you guys were buying for cash today. Which let me point out is not a question, it’s a statement. And here’s my answer; “No, I bought a bunch of stuff this morning and I’m out of cash at the moment.” The reply; “So you’re not buying?”. What! Did you seriously just repeat your question, that wasn’t really a question to begin with when my first fucking word was no? No! You fucking idiot, let me see here, I have one $5 bill and approximately 20 $1 bills, but for you just because you asked twice I’ll pull out a couple of $20′s from my ass to pay for your scratched up shit. You are the reason I have to pop headache pills all day, everyday, because you make my head hurt with your idiocy, go back to school you asshole, or buy a hearing aid. Neither of which I’m sure will help you, because you’re a stupid fucking idiot.

How about phone calls? Those can’t be so bad can they? Yes, they can. A conversation just a few days ago goes like this; Me: “Buy Co, can I help you?” C: “I saw on your website that you resurface discs and fix old Nintendo’s” Me: “Yes” C: “Well I have a couple of software titles” (I’m thinking, okay get on with it, what’s your question.) Me: “Uh huh” C: “Well I was wondering if you could shrink wrap them for me.” Me: “No sir, I’m sorry we don’t do that” C: (Angrily) “Oh, well thanks anyways I guess, bye”. Where in the blue hell did you come up with the connection between disc resurfacing, replacing Nintendo chips and shrink wrapping a software title? This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to anyone with a brain that actually functions. Number 1, we don’t have a shrink wrap machine, and if we did, I sure as hell wouldn’t wrap your software so you could return it after you copied it. People that call with these ridiculous questions (or statements) are completely stupid, I can’t imagine that a single brain cell is still active within their stupid heads. I mean seriously, where in the hell did this person come up with the idea that we had a shrink wrapping machine? I checked the store’s website, yeah uh nothing, no mention of shrink wrapping of any kind. And I shouldn’t have to check anyway, I built and maintain the website, but for the sake of my own sanity I do anyway. So somehow this person came to the conclusion that we help with piracy? “Hi I bought this game, and I copied it, so can you shrink wrap it for me so I can return it and get it for free?” “Why certainly sir, I’d be happy to lose my job, get fined by the city, sued by the RIAA, lose my shitty apartment, my wife, my dog, my cat, any dignity I had, and be placed in prison where I’m pretty sure my life will ‘suck’.” Idiots.

I’m pretty sure I’ve come up with a solution to the rampant stupidity I’ve seen over the past few months, it’s quite simple really, and here’s how it goes; “Hi, you have shit to sell?”, “Yes I do, a bunch of scratched up shit no ones wants but I’m hoping you’ll buy”, “Well certainly, we’ll buy your dirty ass, scratched up crap, but we have a new policy before we do so. Are you sure you want to sell these?” “Yes sir” “Okay then” “I’ll take these, here’s your receipt.” “My receipt? Where’s my money?” “Oh there is no money sir, something much better is in store for you.”. The customer is then escorted away via a car (I really don’t care what kind of car, it could be a rust bucket for all I care), and placed against a wall where he is handed a gun, this gun contains one bullet, and guess what? He has to keep pulling the trigger until it fires! That’s right, you, the fucking douchebag idiot I have to deal with every single fucking day of my existence gets to kill themselves, and you know why? Because, you’re an asshole and you’re breathing my air. Good riddance to your sorry excuse for a life. And my parting words; “Fuck You”.